on my birthday

today is my birthday. i was born at 10:48 am on a sunday at mt. sanai hospital in cleveland, oh during a horrible blizzard. the hospital was closed and no one was allowed to leave. mom always tells me this story over and over again.

i was supposed to be due february 14, valentine’s day. that would have made me an aquarius, which i guess would have been okay, but there is no zodiac sign i would rather be than pisces. i feel sometimes as if i am the epitome of a pisces. i am not super into zodiac and astrological stuff, but into it a medium amount. it’s weird that i have such pride over something which was none of my doing. also, as far as the chinese zodiac goes, i’m a rat. i love it. they seem so clever to me and cleverness is an extremely desirable trait in my book.

according to the rhyme, children like me, born on the sabbath day, are fair and wise and good and gay. but in judaism the sabbath is saturday. maybe mother goose was a christain, then. sabbath in this case means sunday.

so for my birthday, i have no plans really. i’m very open and winging it, i guess. the past couple years, i’ve had definite plans and been excited about them each time. last year, a whole bunch of friends came over to this hotel in the area and we had a party, played beer pong, listened to music, and just hung out. the year before, i went to see my friend’s band play and then spent the night at a different area hotel.

the year before that, my 21st birthday, was the worst in recent memory. one of my friends who i went out with was just such a douchebag and i was just about at the end of my rope. hindsight really is 20/20.

when i turned 20, i went out with joan to this bar where kayla worked. my hair was very red and very long and i have a bunch of pictures from that night. i didn’t really want to go to that bar, but my friends coerced me and i remember regretting it by the end of the night. joan and i took glamour shots all night and played uno. at the bar.

i don’t remember what i did when i turned 19, but i would venture to guess that i went to desiderio’s with a bunch of theatre people. when i turned 18, though, that one was hilarious. i lived in the dorms, and i asked my friend rich to burn me a cd that was just “eighteen” by alice cooper over and over again. i had a ton of people over and my mom helped me sneak beer into the dorm. we all listened to that song about a bajillionty times and a minute before quiet hours, everyone poured out into the hallway to SHOUT happy birthday to me. it was super fun.

this year, i don’t know. maybe this marks my official passing into Old Age. i’m 24. i’m still excited, but i haven’t been planning what i’m going to do for weeks like i have previously.

i think that later on tonight, i’m going to see medeski, martin, and wood. i love live music, and i remember liking them previously when i’d seen them, so hey… might as well. i will more than likely be going alone, and when i think about that hypothetically, it sounds sad and depressing, but when i think about the past concerts i’ve seen alone, i remember how much i love seeing stuff by myself. i would rather be alone than have to drag someone who didn’t like that kind of stuff anyway to sit there and pretend to like it, or worse. i think i’m going to have a lot of fun.

then, after that, ashley and i will wreak havoc on allen street.

saturday, i think i’m going bowling and then going out on allen st. again. and then sunday, i believe i’m seeing keller williams. this show, though, i may have a companion for. and by companion, i mean the man i have a crush on. cross your fingers. company of a like-minded person would be a fantastic birthday present, indeed.

how to cope (today is opposite day)

i think i might like someone.  i haven’t liked someone in a long time.  i don’t remember what it’s like to “have a crush” on someone.  but i think this is it.  i like his smile and his words.  we’ve hung out a couple times and i’ve had exponentially more fun each time.

w?  the last inclination i’ve gotten that he’s even alive is a text message from him on july 30th.  i’m sick– i know the exact date.  i was at my company’s annual golf tournament and i said that i was melting into a big puddle of goo because it was so hot out.  he texted me, “i love you, even in puddle form.”  and that’s the end of it.

i haven’t allowed myself to really like anyone in forever, i suppose in the vain hopes that w would someday be exactly what i always wanted and needed him to be.  all told, w is/ was about 99.9% exactly perfect for me.  (i don’t know which verb tense to use.  past tense makes me sad when talking about him)  but that 0.1% is/was just such a bitch.

i don’t even know how to explain it.  the last communication i had with him was exactly on our normal level– funny, affectionate.  and now, it’s been five months without hearing from him at all.  i don’t know what he’s doing, how his job is, how his house is, if he’s feeling sick today (or any of the past 150+ days, i suppose), how his guitar playing is coming along, or anything.  i haven’t heard his sweet drawl on my voicemail or read his adorable e-mails about the everyday ins and outs of his life.

and yet, i’m still attached to him.  he is and has always been, since i’ve first gotten to know him, the standard by which i judge all other men.  that’s so unfair of me.  people are different and maybe it’s a good thing, all things considered that i haven’t liked so many people who are like him.  he is so passionate and tumultuous that i can’t think about him in a rational manner.

i have not laid eyes on w, literally, have not seen him or been in his presence, since july 4, 2004.  almost a solid four years.  and i’m still thinking about him daily, hoping he’s well, wishing that he’s doing better… with everything.

what happened?  what’s happening?  why can’t i get over it?  why is he still the proprieter of everything emotional and loving within me?  why haven’t i allowed myself to write honestly about this in four years?  why can’t i write about our situation or talk about it seriously or think about it without crying?  my eyes are welling up right now.

i’m a tough bitch most of the time, and i can take things for what they are.  i am not afraid of failure, and i’m not too proud to cut my losses and move on.  but i really feel anchored to w.  i can’t move on.  i can’t get past it.

this is not the first time he’s disappeared on me.  october 2004, he stopped talking to me until march 27, 2005.  then we were good for a while and he stopped talking to me again around… shit i can’t even remember.  i’ve kept in touch.  i’ve e-mailed, called, texted.  at what point do i cross over from concerned ex/ current/ pseudo/ maybe girlfriend into the territory of a complete psychotic maniac?  when does my affection and concern turn into obsession and patheticness?

these are all questions i have to struggle with, pretty much, on a daily basis.  even now, i can’t imagine that i will never ever in my whole life hear from him again.  right?  is this intentional on his part?  did i do something wrong?  is it just a self-indulgent time in his life where focusing on more than his own survival, day to day, would be too much pressure?

i don’t get it, and as each day passes, i fear more and more that none of my questions will ever be answered.  how do you recover from this?  how do you recover from a love so deep and what i fear is/ will be a loss so deep?  when will i be able to admit to myself that i need to let go?

and here i am, on the verge of something that could be something, and rather than ennumerating the fabulous qualities of my newfound friend, i am beating myself up over the past.  i need to write this.  i need to post it.  and if you’re still reading, whoever you are out in internet-land, i need you to comment that you’ve read this.  even if we’ve never met.  then it’s real.  then i’m forced to face my life with open eyes.

yep, i’m crying…

the good, the bad, and the maggie

despite the above title, i am going to start with the bad first.

friday night, my night auditor called in.  since the only people who know how to run the audit are him, me, and dan, and since dan is out of town, that left yours truly as the lucky one.  i don’t mind working overnight tooooo much, and i don’t mind doubles too much either, but just being unprepared for both makes it a very rude awakening to have it suddenly sprung on you.

also bad is the fact that i still have 11 days to go  before dan gets back.  i’m not even half way through his vacation and i’m already exhausted beyond belief.  last night, i worked overnight.  and today i had a meeting at 1:00.  i’d only gotten out of work at 7:00 am so i decided to sleep in a room until my meeting.

it’s been unbelievably cold.  three degrees.  then add in the wind chill and it ends up being 15 below or something.  i mean, honestly, what is that?  3.  fuck, my feet are still freezing and i’ve been home for over two hours.

the good:

i hired the man for my overnight position.  i’m excited about him starting and hope that he works out.  this is such a difficult job to fill for some reason.

i hung out with someone for the first time this weekend that i’ve been meaning to hang out with for a while.  he was finally not sick and i was finally not dead to the world and we went out and had some drinks and some laughs.

he made me some cds.  les claypool, ween, some ska, some other stuff i can’t remember, but all of it has been very pleasing thus far.

we had a ridiculous photo shoot throughout the entire hotel with this little e.t. doll i have.  we have a bunch of employees all putting their personal touches on a pose with e.t.  it’s hilarious, really.

i’m reading pride and prejudice and LOVING it!  i can’t believe i didn’t read it earlier.  the movie was so good that it made me want to read the book, and i just love it.  wonderful.  i mean, i know how it ends and all that, but the wording is so subtly witty throughout a lot of it.  i think subtlety is the key word for the whole book.  fabulous!

i don’t really have anything to go under the maggie part.  i’m tired a lot, but still manage to have a good deal of fun.  i am still in love with my down comforter.  i love my job and my apartment and my roommate.  so, all is well, i guess.

this has been pretty bland, but i just wanted to get some thoughts out, i guess.  someday i will write something worthwhile.  if i had a nickel for everytime i’ve said that, i would be super duper rich.

i’m mostly happy nonetheless.

how to bore a reader to death –or– the past couple days

we fired an overnight worker.  the shift is 11:00 pm to 7:00 am.  i am not sorry to see him leave.  i thought he was annoying and cocky.  he was 40+ and always really concerned about where i was going out, who i was going with.  it always seemed like he was judging me.  i don’t need to tell a subordinate my entire life.  and while i’m sure there are ways to tactfully say, mind your own business, i was unable to really say anything.  so i occasionally answered his questions and the rest of the time acted as if i didn’t hear them.  there must be so many people at this hotel who think i have a hearing problem.  and i kept the resentment from him being so invasive bottled up for a while.

i talk about it all the time now.  my other overnight workers now know how i feel.  i guess it’s good that it never came out while the fired one was still there.  i am a manager and all and it is inappropriate for me to express negative feelings about an employee.  i need to work on professionalism because i need to learn how to address situations without pretending to be deaf.  if i felt that his questions were inappropriate, i should have found a diplomatic way of saying so.  and then thought nasty things about him after i said them.

because he was fired, we have an opening on the overnight shift which i have been interviewing for for about the last three weeks.  no such luck.  until this past week.  i interviewed an older lady who seems really sweet and has audit experience.  she’s from canada; she likes the toronto maple leafs and the new england patriots.  i told her i wouldn’t hold either of those things against her.  she was friendly and warm, but her teeth were really off putting.

then i interviewed a man, probably early 30s, no audit experience who was just so easy to talk to.  he’s married, his wife is about to have a child.  and even though it’s probably wrong to say this, the interview felt more like a date.  i’m not attracted to him, but just the wide array of topics that the conversation hit on and the easy way he conversed with me, i thought to myself that this is like a really good first date minus the attraction part.  does that make me lame?  all i want on a date is good conversation.

i can’t decide.  they both would be wonderful.  i think i’m going to call them both in for second interviews and have them speak with my general manager and have him make the choice.  i don’t know, though.  i kind of really would prefer the man.  hmm… i’ll figure it out eventually.

we’ve had ice storms, wind storms, snow storms, rain, sleet, thunder, lightning, and 50 degree weather, all within the past two weeks.  fucking buffalo, i’ll tell ya.

sunday was the super bowl.  i went to the friend of a friend’s house to watch the game.  let’s hear it for the giants.  the fourth quarter was edge-of-the-seat excitement.  i could not believe it.  giants!  we drank ithaca apricot wheat (one of my absolute all time favorite beers), magic hat #9 and magic hat circus boy.  both delicious.  magic hat has little sayings underneath the bottle caps.  here are some that i got that night:

never wish for a three-headed fish

a duck.

a what?

a duck…

don’t let your tongue come undone

get jinxed

and my personal favorite:  take a day to roll in the hay

monday, i worked overnight.  tuesday, i had off.  i ended up going out with my roommate for mardi gras.  we went to brick bar where someone bought me a shot of tequila and right away, i knew it would be a night full of mischief.  i ended up with about a quadrillion beads.  we went to gallagher’s after and i stayed there till later when i met some friends back at the hotel.  all of these bars within walking distance of the hotel really makes for an alcohol filled lifestyle, which i need to keep an eye on.  my father was an alcoholic.  i think i have a good sense of moderation, though.

work yesterday was super busy.  we have swim teams staying at the hotel.  whenever they stay, for the next couple days, we have tons of guest complaints of slow tub drains.  this is because swimmers shave themselves all over the place.  we actually have a specific hair cutting room for them this year because last year, apparently hair ended up all over the place.

it’s hilarious to hear about all the small details like that that hotel people immediately can assign to a specific group.  men’s hockey groups in college tend to smell bad, travel hockey teams smell really bad.  and what’s worse, the travel teams have the awful raucous parents who drink and drink and drink while their kids run wild throughout the hotel.  women’s teams tend to have the doors slam more because they are all about running into each other’s rooms.  swimmers shed all over and shave and cut hair.

my boss is on vacation until the end of february.  this makes me in charge.  i am already exhausted and he’s only been gone three days.  it will be interesting to see what the next couple weeks have to hold.