rare issues

i’ve recently been facing some issues in my life that i’m not all that familiar with. namely, regarding a man. namely, regarding the man…

i’m outspoken, outgoing, extroverted, loud, boisterous, uplifting, cheery, hilarious, MODEST, etc. and when i’m around him, i’m someone completely different. still hilarious, cheery, uplifting, and all the rest, but i’m so shy. i don’t know what it is. i want to tell him that i like him. i want to let him know how i feel. but i’m scared. it’s odd.

i was talking with steph at work the other day about all of this and she asked me how confident i was that he liked me back, and i said at least 80%, probably closer to 85% or so. i mean, he does super sweet things for me. he opens my car door, brushes the snow off my car, pays for dinner, pays for drinks, smiles at me despite the fact that there are other people in the room who may see us “making eyes” at each other, burns me cds of music he thinks i’ll like, explains things to me so that i can understand them, shows me things that he has made or that he has to do for school, even if i can’t understand them. i mean, it’s really cute. he’s just adorable, and i want to be around him all the time.

our common enemy is time. he is completely devoted to school, like… completely. it’s an odd juxtaposition, i think. he’s someone who is so much his own person, so unconforming, so unique, so individual, and yet, he is entirely into school. he has had a 4.0 gpa for the last two semesters or so, and i’d be surprised if he didn’t have one this semester also.

i now have two jobs. i work A LOT. especially when people call in, which has happened to me twice in the past three days. i figured out at work yesterday that from wednesday to sunday, i worked 67.5 hours. but in that time span, i had 3 pm saturday to 3 pm sunday off from both jobs, so if we removed 24 hours from that equation, it evens out to about 17 hours per day. damn. i need to slow it down…

anyway, so i work all the time, and he works all the time, and i don’t know how to reconcile the two. i’m getting ahead of myself, though, because we’re not even together. i’m nervous around him. my stomach balls up and i feel like i might throw up. i have not felt this way in a really long time. it’s like middle school crush feeling. and it’s awesome.

i am plagued by the what-ifs. what if i was wrong and the signs i interpretted as flirtation were really him just being a nice guy? what if i tell him i like him and he doesn’t feel the same way? what if we try to be together and we can never find the time? what if i make a fool out of myself and ruin our friendship? i don’t know. i don’t know what to do or how to do it. i don’t know how to say i like you in terms that make it sound better than the one-syllable words it really is. i like you. i have feelings for you? no, corny. i really enjoy hanging out and i want to get to know you better? also extremely corny. i don’t know… how do i do this? heeeeeeelp!

i wish i had shakespeare scripting my confession of liking scene… maybe not the whole story because i don’t want to have to dress like a man, be tricked by fairies, kill myself, or drown in order to advance my love story. i just want to tell him and to have him reciprocate and for everything from there on out to be wonderful.

i saw victor wooten on saturday night, and it was amazing, as usual. i really wish i were that good or passionate about anything. he’s just amazing. he warps the instrument into whatever he wants it to be– funky, fun, melodic, sweet, smooth, choppy, etc. he was there… my guy… but we didn’t sit together. he bought his ticket a billion months before i did and he was way closer, but off to the side. i was back further from the stage, but more center. we both agreed i had the better seat.

he left the show early, so when i call him he was already at his room. i went over there and hung out. i saw some of the girls who had lived at the hotel when it was a dorm. he made me cds and a les claypool dvd. we watch youtube videos of crazy drum solos and bassists. he got out his bass and played for me, looking into my eyes the whole time. it was incredibly intimate (despite the fact that his roommate was in the room the entire time). we walked around together for a while and he made me laugh while we were talking about drunk kids flailing on the same path as us.

my tire pressure was low, and he hopped in my car telling me to take it to the gas station and he would fill it for me. when we got there, the air pump was broken, but hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? i drove him back and we talked for another hour or so sitting in my car. our goodbye was a long hug and a “i have to go before we start talking again because i’ll be here all night” type of parting comment.

aaaaahhhh… someone advise me. what do i do? how do i get up the balls to say something? he’ll be going home (about 4 hours away) in a little over a month. what then? it’s just crazy for me to feel something so… strong and so… pure. i’m taken aback and confused as to what my next step should be.